January 16, 2013
No one told me leaving Iona would require rehab. Seriously…the past few days have been all kinds of chaos in my head and heart. I think I might need to go on retreat to sort things out. Oh, the irony…
I’m
not writing this to discourage all you creative dreamers out there. I
am SO grateful for my dream come true and I know this is merely
another line in my song (as my lovely friend Kim said to me).
However, Iona was part of the journey…not the
destination. It was A destination, but not the final one. I have
plenty of stuff I want to do. I’m just trying to clarify and pick a
step to take now and so far, I’m having a difficult time getting
excited. I think I need to be a little patient with myself. I don’t
pine for Iona specifically (it was time to leave), but I do miss the
UK. I always do when I leave. It’s been that way since I went out
there in 2004.
I flew back to the states on January 12th
because I had to in that moment. My visa ran out and I was exhausted
by 7 months of work and amazingness…sometimes laced with fear too.
It was well worth the confusion I’m going through right now, but I’m
not a big fan of feeling like this.
Some go out there and
return to the life they left behind…
Some go before
starting a new chapter…
Me? I quit everything and went
to change my life. I took a huge leap of faith that something would
come of it. That shaking things up would make a difference and I
would know where I was going to next. It certainly made a difference,
but I don’t know where I’m going next…besides Connecticut, for
now.
I don’t doubt that going to Iona was what I was
supposed to do. It gave me more than I thought it would. It returned
pieces of myself I hadn’t seen in years or ever, for that
matter.
What am I doing to combat all this uncertainty
right now?
If I’m being honest, some moments I feel like
going into the fetal position with some ice cream for about a month.
Talking with friends has helped me to not do
this…so I thank you one and all.
On the more proactive
side, I’ve been looking up retreat centers and emailing them about
possible employment and looking into getting a car
so I’ll be more mobile. I will also set up some sort of internet
access so I can continue the search and continue with this site.
I
have a few creative product ideas fluttering around in my artist’s
brain, so I can’t wait to get my materials back.
I’m
looking forward to having my wardrobe expand past three possible
outfits when I return to Connecticut…and I can’t wait to get back
to making all my herbal concoctions again. That will be heavenly and
return some peace to my heart.
I’ve
also been coping with my sadness by photographing a rather adorable
knitted Highland Cow wherever I go (more on that later).
Writing
this blog post has helped.
Most of the time though, I want
to hop on a plane and go back to where I felt I made sense.
I
just want my life to make sense again.
On the plus
side…the last time I felt discouraged and wanted to change my life
I had huge obstacles like debt, a job and an apartment slowing me
down. It took time, but I was still able to achieve living in
Scotland for 7 months. Starting on my next goal should be a piece of
cake. Whatever that goal ends up being.
XO