Making Sense Out Of Nonsense


Wandering the streets of Appledore, Devon, England


No one told me leaving Iona would require rehab. Seriously...the past few days have been all kinds of chaos in my head and heart. I think I might need to go on retreat to sort things out. Oh, the irony...

I'm not writing this to discourage all you creative dreamers out there. I am SO grateful for my dream come true and I know this is merely another line in my song (as my lovely friend Kim said to me). However, Iona was part of the journey...not the destination. It was A destination, but not the final one. I have plenty of stuff I want to do. I'm just trying to clarify and pick a step to take now and so far, I'm having a difficult time getting excited. I think I need to be a little patient with myself. I don't pine for Iona specifically (it was time to leave), but I do miss the UK. I always do when I leave. It's been that way since I went out there in 2004.

I flew back to the states on January 12th because I had to in that moment. My visa ran out and I was exhausted by 7 months of work and amazingness...sometimes laced with fear too. It was well worth the confusion I'm going through right now, but I'm not a big fan of feeling like this.

Some go out there and return to the life they left behind...

Some go before starting a new chapter...

Me? I quit everything and went to change my life. I took a huge leap of faith that something would come of it. That shaking things up would make a difference and I would know where I was going to next. It certainly made a difference, but I don't know where I'm going next...besides Connecticut, for now.

I don't doubt that going to Iona was what I was supposed to do. It gave me more than I thought it would. It returned pieces of myself I hadn't seen in years or ever, for that matter.

What am I doing to combat all this uncertainty right now?

If I'm being honest, some moments I feel like going into the fetal position with some ice cream for about a month. Talking with friends has helped me to not do this...so I thank you one and all.

On the more proactive side, I've been looking up retreat centers and emailing them about possible employment and looking into getting a car so I'll be more mobile. I will also set up some sort of internet access so I can continue the search and continue with this site.

I have a few creative product ideas fluttering around in my artist's brain, so I can't wait to get my materials back.

I'm looking forward to having my wardrobe expand past three possible outfits when I return to Connecticut...and I can't wait to get back to making all my herbal concoctions again. That will be heavenly and return some peace to my heart.

I've also been coping with my sadness by photographing a rather adorable knitted Highland Cow wherever I go (more on that later).

Writing this blog post has helped.

Most of the time though, I want to hop on a plane and go back to where I felt I made sense.

I just want my life to make sense again.

On the plus side...the last time I felt discouraged and wanted to change my life I had huge obstacles like debt, a job and an apartment slowing me down. It took time, but I was still able to achieve living in Scotland for 7 months. Starting on my next goal should be a piece of cake. Whatever that goal ends up being.


XO